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This is a Calvinist or perhaps just Biblical, as opposed to outright Pelagian, rewrite of Joel Osteen’s creed. I didn’t write this, though I wish I had.

A Calvinist rewrite of the Joel Osteen creed. - This is my Bible: I am what it says I am: A SINNER. I have what it says I have: A SIN PROBLEM. I can do what it says I can do: REPENT & TRUST IN JESUS ALONE. Today, I will be taught the Word of God. I'll fall on my face and confess. My mind is depraved; my heart is deceitful & wicked. I will rely on Jesus Christ's atoning work. I will renew my mind in the inspired, inerrant, infallible, Word of God. I'll never be the same - never, never never!"

A Calvinist rewrite of the Joel Osteen creed.