To start this blog right, it seems like it would be good to explain the name and how it came about.
I hold to the Doctrines of Grace, though the church I worship at does not. This came about when my beliefs changed, while the church’s beliefs of course did not. I didn’t know what to believe, aside from that Jesus is Lord and Savior, when I started at my church. In fact, I had come from an even more mixed up seeker driven church with a “word of faith” and prosperity bent. And, at the time, I didn’t even know that was wrong!
So, the Wesleyan Arminianism I was being taught at my newfound church home just seemed to make sense, as it would to most natural thinking people. But, I think when we look to what the bible tells us, rather than what we want, then we can, by God’s grace, begin to see things a little bit differently.
In my case, that came largely from podcasting sermons. I started out looking for Rob Bell sermons, because I had read “Velvet Elvis” and had been exposed to a few of those Nooma videos that were so popular at the time.* Seemingly, by God’s grace, I wasn’t able to find him on iTunes. But, I knew the name of his church, Mars Hill. Or, at least I thought I did. I instead came across the podcast of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, and heard Mark Driscoll preaching.
If I recall correctly, it was from a lecture he did at a conference where he taught about church discipline from Matthew 18. (Why doesn’t anyone actually practice church discipline these days? More on that some other time.) And, then in further podcasts, I heard his teaching on the spiritual gifts from his series on 1st Corinthians.
Eventually, I did find Rob Bell’s podcast, I listened to a few, and determined that something just didn’t seem right about his teaching and hearing him left me with an odd feeling as if something was wrong, but I didn’t know what.
Listening to Pastor Mark, and others, lead me to confront the idea of Sovereign Election and Predestination. I struggled with the idea for probably around a year. I talked to the associate pastor at my church, and he did nothing to dissuade me from that view, nor has anyone else since then. After further study I don’t know how anyone could read the bible honestly and not come to a Calvinist perspective of God’s grace.
Unfortunately, that presents a bit of a problem. As I said toward the beginning, the church I worship at holds to Wesleyan Arminianism. There is a definite conflict here. And, I’ve not really done anything to deal with that conflict yet. There is also the problem that the church doesn’t seem to care about the Gospel anymore. That is another struggle for another time and post.
For now though, I’m still at that United Methodist Church, and I’m still mostly hiding my views in the closet.
* I do not recommend Rob Bell’s teachings, books, podcasts, posters, glasses, etc.
Wow, must be tough to be part of a body that is holding on to an Arminian view of the gospel. It took me years to accept the truth that God was revealing to me as well. I did not want to believe that I was starting to have a Calvinistic perspective, but for what ever reason, God revealed the truth of His word and the rest is history. You are in my prayers.
It definitely is at times. More so though, it is that the Gospel isn't being proclaimed at all by the new pastor. He has been there four years. In what I think I talked about in the second to oldest post here, his sermons are mostly anecdotes that came to mind when he read the passage he is supposed to be preaching from.
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Hey I was going to start a facebook group called, "Closet Calvinist" so I figured I'd do a search for it first to make sure nobody had started one yet and behold you have an entire blog. Do you think I could use the name or do you want to start a facebook group with that name?
You’re welcome to use the name for a group. Just, please don’t make a page, as I might some day use that.
And thanks for stopping by and commenting.
I just happened to come back across this. I looked at your ID profile and saw your comments elsewhere about hell and a daughter being encouraged to take a pastoral role despite the biblical qualifications being for a male pastorate. How are those going?
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I understand where you are coming from with this blog. I wasn't a "Calvinist" until I read the entire Bible finally. Even then, I recognized doctrines such as predestination well before I had any idea about the Reformation, John Calvin, or the Doctrines of Grace. I feel your pain brother.
It has been a fun journey. I feel at home in my newfound Presbyterian church though.
It took time for me, for sure. And, it feels good to be able to point at the Westminster Confession of Faith and say, "I believe that."
Wow… I'm very much in the same boat here. I saw this blog and backtracked, trying to find out why 'Closet Calvinist'?
My background is similar, although I currently attend a Charismatic/Pentecostal church, throw in some of that ol' word faith (almost) with a smattering of Arminian altar-calling gospel. Plus I'm married, and since coming to the realisation of Calvinist theology, our theological outlooks are different. The basics are the same, which is good, but it does make it really awkward. It's the kind of church that now doesn't use the word sermon any more but 'talks' ? Everything is a ministry, and the calendar is full of things to do. The one thing I am looking forward to is that the pastor would like me to preach one day. I may not last long after that 😀
I started wanting to listen to proper bible teaching, downloading people like MacArthur, Sproul and Washer, and it just all clicked. Their sermons are utterly biblical, expository preaching is awesome, making most of what I hear just life-affirming positive thinking nonsense.
Reading the Bible differently too, looking at it through the perspective of it being about God, not us, as some teachers would do.
Here's an ironic thing -- close friends at the church are liking my approach to questions and topics -- take it to the word. I'm always 'What does the word say?' They like the way I pray now, they're saying it's really authentic. I've not been pushy with it, but the firmness of my convictions must show somehow to them.
So I empathise with you brother, that like you we are stuck in a similar situation. I pray lots that not only would the situation change regarding church, but also that my wife would also see things in a new light.
I'll be catching up with your blog now… Looks like some good reading ahead!
My recent post Feeding Sheep or Entertaining Goats?
I don't know if you came across this post, http://closetcalvinist.com/2012/podcasts/, but you may enjoy it. I highly recommend Chris Rosebrough's Fighting for the Faith. It will equip you to deal with the stuff you are seeing and hearing in that charismatic church. He is a Lutheran, but not one of those Lutherans that spends his whole day arguing against Calvinists.
I'm glad the Lord brought you into right beliefs about Him and His saving work on the cross. May He continue in that, maybe even bringing you to reform that church, or into a healthy Reformed church.
God bless!
My recent post In the News
I too am a closet Calvinist, my family hates Calvinism. I'm in a rush but I'd love to chat sometime if possible.
I am terrible about getting back to comments. Send me an email at [email protected] and we'll chat.